ANCIENT EGYPTIAN HR WAS FUCKING WILD, DUDE.

The ancient Egyptian royal court was not known for its enlightened employment practices. Early dynastic burials have long prompted discussion about whether some attendants died to accompany a ruler into the next world. Historians and archaeologists debate the evidence, so we won't pretend to know the precise contents of the employee handbook. We can, however, imagine the meeting.

‘Steve — can I have a word? I've sent you a Teams message, but thought I'd do this in person instead.’

‘Of course, Dave — what's up?’

‘Um, well… it's Pete, your line manager. He's been bitten by an asp while he was out of the business on that corporate team-builder in Thebes, and, er… we've poured honey on the wound, and sawdust, and dabbed at it a bit with some deer entrails, but…’

‘Oh, Gods, mate. You don't mean…’

‘Sorry, yeah Steve. Pete didn't make it. We even tried some saffron—’

‘That's the good stuff… shit.’

‘Exactly. Sorry to say, Pete passed on to the realm of his exalted forebears, after a mercifully brief sixteen hours of agonised writhing.’

‘That'd be the wine, though. Glad it was quick. Right. I see. I suppose I'll have to tell Sarah and the kids they're all for it, then. Gods.’

‘Don't worry, Steve. Karen, our HRBP, has let them know. I've also made sure your four talents of backpay, remaining holiday, complimentary branded amphora of wine and branded chisel set for next week's H2 kickoff will be with you in eternity, as per your Ts&Cs.’

‘That explains the papyrus I got earlier. I saw the title and didn't read it.’

‘Yeah. Oh, and Steve — if you could get that latest etching of the Nile Diversion Scoping Phase 2 done by COB, that'd be awesome. Just had a couple of comments. Enjoy the afterlife.’

‘Sure…’

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